Category: Writers Block
9-20-11
Anna
“Momma, can I still go to the Kansas concert at Red Rocks?” “Honey, no. You are sick.” Anna’s mom, Allie replied. “Momma, I have to go! What if they don’t ever come back to Red rocks for reasons?” “Honey, I am sure they will since they say Red Rocks is their favorite venue to play at.” Anna’s heart monitor started beeping and glowing faster. “Anna, calm down now!” Allie was starting to get frustrated with Anna. “Maybe she could go since she is in stable condition now, and the concert is in a few hours.” Anna’s doctor, Doctor Hannah Walsh pointed out. Allie’s face lit up and so did Anna’s. “Okay, but Allie, if she ever gets sick, call 911 right away so we can take her back to the hospital.” “Anna, do you understand the risks of going to that concert?” Allie questioned Anna. “Yes momma.” She said in her soft, sweet, almost whimpery like voice. "Honey, are you ready to be discharged so you can go?" Dr. Walsh asked Anna. "Yes, I am more than ready so I can go to the concert!" She said happily. "Allie, Anna, I don't mean to scare you with this, but you are so sick, this may be the last concert you will ever go too, Anna." Allie broke down in tears. Anna broke down and cried. "I'm so sorry." DR. Walsh said in a very serious voice. "I guess we better go now. Thanks for ruining my day Hannah!" "I know that it is hard, but I totally understand," "Shut up! You don't know a thing about possibly losing your own children!" Allie Screamed. "I was just trying to help you!" Dr. Walsh screamed back. "How about both of you get a life and shut up about me dying. Your making it so much harder, I mean, come on!" Anna screamed at her doctor and her mom. "Anna, get Out right now! Stop being a brat, brats don't deserve to get such luxuries as you!" Allie said glaring at Anna. Anna gave her an American crusty look. "Don't you dare give me that look," "Why don't you wipe that stupid glare off of your face and I won't give you looks. Aren't you smart enough to think about that?" "Anna, shush!" Her mom screamed dragging Anna out to the car. They got in the car and her mom slammed the door. Anna was so mad, but so excited to go to the Kansas concert, she couldn't hold it in. Her mom got in. "Anna, you made me do this." She said, her right foot pushing down on the petal hard. "Well sorry for dying and sorry for liking Kansas, maybe I should just not like to be myself, that's what you are suggesting." Allie ignored her. "I am sorry Anna. I guess it is time to eat some dinner now. Do you Want Jimmy John's Subs?" "Yes mama please. Enjoy me now, apologize at my funeral." "Anna, it's not like you are going to die after the concert tonight, really." "All we are is Dust in the Wind." Anna Said. "Don't tell me that, I just want to believe that you are going to live to see tomorrow." "Okay Momma, I will respect your wish. I am really sorry as well." "Don't worry; it was my fault for lashing out at you. Let's enjoy this concert and meal together and have a great time!" Anna lit up. "That's being In the Spirit of Things." So, they went in to the restaurant, and ordered there sandwiches. Allie got a beach club sandwich, and Anna got a JJ Gargantuan. "Man, I am loving these signs." Anna read a few signs on the wall. "oh, Dang, That was fast!” Allie remarked to an employee at the counter. She laughed. They got back in the car with there food and headed for Moreson, Colorado. They ate in the car, got there safely, and got to there row. They were Row 10, seat 15 and 14. The show was about to begin. Anna screamed as Kansas got on stage. The Set lasted an hour, and they played the following songs:
1. Howling at the Moon
2. Belexes
3. Point of no Return
4. Song For America
5. Miracles Out Of nowhere
6. Nobody's home
7. Icarus II
8. Icarus -- Born On Wings Of Steel
9. Ghosts/Rain Maker
10. Cheyenne Anthem
11. Dust In The Wind
12. Fight Fire with Fire
13. Carry On Wayward Son
Anna about screamed the lyrics to every song, and the concert felt like it had flown by. "Honey, did you enjoy that concert?" Allie asked? "Oh yeah!" Anna exclaimed. They started walking down the stairs and they were talking about how awesome they sounded when suddenly on the 4th flight down, Anna said, "Momma, please, I can't do this." "Anna, stop whining and get down them stairs." Allie said Firmly. "Mom, I feel like I can't breathe and my chest is really tight." Anna suddenly calapsed on the floor and was falling fast down the hard stairs. "Help Me!" Allie screamed very loudly. She caught Anna, and she called 911. the ambulance came. "Something is very wrong with her heart and lungs right now." the Paramedic in the ambulance said. "I love you momma." Anna said in a very quiet groggy soft voice. "Thanks Mom, you are the best." Anna's voice kind of trailed off. Allie started to cry, just listening to Anna wheeze. "We need medication, stat!" The paramedic yelled. “Remember, we are not allowed to carry this medicine because of the government regulations.” The other paramedic reminded her. "Allie, There is no medicine we can give Anna due to government regulations. I am so sorry; there is nothing we can do." "Oh! My! God! How long does she have?" “Only enough time to maybe get to the nearest hospital.” Allie wept really loudly. “Now, you screwed up so bad you guys." Allie gave the paramedics an ugly, disgusting look.. "Do something!" Allie screamed. They pulled up to a near by Hospital. Anna held Allies hand. And just as they opened the door, Anna flat lined. "I swear to god, I will never listen to rock and roll, and I will never eat a sandwich at that place again, and I will never trust you guys to take care of my family and friends. memorries of her will haunt me, and I hope they haunt you!" Allie couldn't stop crying, just hearing that beap of that heart monitor, and seeing Anna's beautiful face. Allie went home and She was not happy at all, for now, she lived all alone.
The End.
This story has a lot of potential. there is a lot of emotion in it that could really drag the reader in if you let it.
first, you don't have to name the characters so often. It makes the reading chopping and hard to follow. And also, each time a new character talks, you need to start a new paragraph so you can tell that its a new set of dialogue.
Then, I think the biggest thing is that you told too much. To make a story really sink into a reader, you should show more than you tell. Instead of saying that she cried, tell what she did as the tears roll down her cheeks. It tells us we're crying, and gives us a picture of a woman with tears rolling down her face. Its more powerful that way.
There is a famous saying that I always use with my writing. Do not tell me that the moon is out, show me the light off broken glass.
You might also want to take the list of songs there. Its a story, not a playbill for Kansas, and the song titles really only matter if you're a fan of Kansas. if not, its just lines you skip over. Just say that kansas played and its enough, you don't have to be that specific on something like that.
If you work on that, and clean your dialogue up to make it sound a bit more natural, you could have a pretty good story. Its a matter of practice.
Very good description of the mother daughter relationship with a teenage daughter. Cody, you are the better writer, but just as a casual observer, I've got to say often the confusion as to who is the teenager or acting like one is more a reality than a work of fiction. I was laughing during that dialog thinking "Yep, it's just like that." And yeah I got confused as to who was saying what, or who was the teenager, but again, that is very realistic with American mother-daughter relationships many times.
I agree completely with Leo and Lightning. I'd also counsel you to remember your tenses. It's an interesting story. Edit it to within an inch of its life and you'll have something special.:)
I'd also like to add how happy I am to see suggestions and constructive critisism on a piece of writing.